I have always considered myself to be one who seeks a healthy mental and emotional life, and this includes an obsession with analyzing my psychological well-being, as well as a constant draw toward a spiritual life. And yet, I have a confession to make: prior to seeing Dr. Dan and doing the EMDR thing, I have never done one-on-one therapy sessions. And even worse, I only had one one-on-one session with Dr. Dan before he recommended me to EMDR. Apparently I was so messed up that he immediately referred me elsewhere! No, in fairness to Dr. Dan, that was not even close to how things went down. It was more like, “April, you are already aware of your struggles. Maybe tapping into your subconscious is the way to go.” Great. My SUBCONSIOUS?!?! God only knows what’s down there, lurking in the caverns and swamps. My subconscious is really the last place I want to go. However, I knew he was right. Maybe deep down I knew that my life-long tendency of overanalyzing was a response to my subconscious calling out to me for a visit. And I wasn’t opposed to seeing someone for talk therapy. Aside from actual EMDR bit, I wasn’t even nervous about going. I have friends who see a therapist once a week, have been doing so for years, and recommend it highly. A friend who works in the field psychology insists that everyone needs to see a therapist. While I believe that these things are true, I have always privileged my excuses. I don’t have the money, I don’t have the time, I don’t have the time or money. But honestly I believe in talk therapy. I believe that talking things through is part of the healing process, and I certainly have my fair share of wounds to heal, especially in light of all my failed efforts to fix this one thing (refer to previous blog). However, I always thought that since I am so introspective and so contemplative and analytical to a fault, I could get by on my own resources/devices. But when I am honest with myself, I know that there are wounds I simply cannot heal on my own, the ones that are too deep, too painful, and too far down for me to reach. I want to receive healing, even for the things that I am not entirely convinced are still hurting. I want no rock left unturned; I want to shed light on every dark crevice within that cave of mine. And I guess that I was hoping EMDR would do the trick.
Awhile back when I talked to Dr. Dan about my interest in the process of healing, he enlightened me on the theories about healing in the field of psychology. He said that while some experts believe that healing comes from within, others believe healing comes from talk therapy. But the most current theory fascinated me most: healing comes from your partner. As soon as Dr. Dan said this, I thought back to something I read about a romantic relationship being like a mirror up—because of the profound intimacy level created in that kind of intimacy, the other person cannot help but penetrate into the deepest, darkest areas of who you are. It makes complete sense that within the safe harbors of a loving relationship, healing can take place from one partner to the other. Fascinating!
In PAX (http://understandmen.com/) I learned that any person can heal another person, even if the healer is not the person who inflicted the wound. If this is true, then I can receive healing for all of the things in my life that caused me pain, and I could give healing to anyone who needed it and would allow me to administer it. Wow. Though I learned the steps involved in the process, sadly, I have never practiced healing another person before, and I have never asked for healing. Perhaps the fear is that two amateurs may inflict more damage than good. So instead, I found myself in the room of an expert, doing EMDR with Ms. Wilson, Dr. Dan’s “witch lady.”
During our first session, she simply asked me questions about my life. We pinpointed what I was hoping to achieve from these visits (no longer being reactionary), and she helped me target some of my fears and/or beliefs about myself. The second visit, Ms. Wilson had me focus in on my most safe place, which is the final resting pose at the end of every yoga session, shavasana, or corpse pose. We did some eye movements while I imagined myself in shavasana. To describe the eye movement thing, basically she pointed and put together her index finger and middle finger, and then moved her hand from side to side in front of her body while I followed her hand with my eyes. At first I thought it was ridiculous and even silly. I laughed a bit and found it difficult to keep a straight face, but eventually I let go of my inhibitions and allowed myself to participate. After talking about shavasana for awhile and really honing in on what qualities it offered to me as a safe place, we got to work on the rest, beginning our descent into my subconscious, plunging into the unknown. I did cry at one difficult point, but overall, the information I discovered was not shocking. The same was true for next few sessions. Ms. Wilson said I was moving at a much quicker pace than most people and asked if I had ever thought about the information I was sharing before this experience. As I thought about her question, I realized that while I had thought about all of these findings before, I had always kept them compartmentalized as isolated incidents. After the sessions with EMDR, I began making profound connections and realizations about how they all worked together. As Ms. Wilson and I explored my subconscious, my subconscious was activating certain memories and linking those moments with cause-and-effect behaviors. It was absolutely fascinating. So far, the reactionary tendency has diminished greatly. However, there was one major discovery that stands out, which I will share in my next blog. But the bottom line is that I did the very intense, hard work I needed to do to unlock and hopefully release these bad behaviors. I was feeling very low and very discouraged at the beginning of this treatment. And only a month later, I feel empowered and excited. But the work is not over. Learning to forgive yourself, to love yourself, is not easy, and it takes a lot of practice, as I'm learning.
Awhile back when I talked to Dr. Dan about my interest in the process of healing, he enlightened me on the theories about healing in the field of psychology. He said that while some experts believe that healing comes from within, others believe healing comes from talk therapy. But the most current theory fascinated me most: healing comes from your partner. As soon as Dr. Dan said this, I thought back to something I read about a romantic relationship being like a mirror up—because of the profound intimacy level created in that kind of intimacy, the other person cannot help but penetrate into the deepest, darkest areas of who you are. It makes complete sense that within the safe harbors of a loving relationship, healing can take place from one partner to the other. Fascinating!
In PAX (http://understandmen.com/) I learned that any person can heal another person, even if the healer is not the person who inflicted the wound. If this is true, then I can receive healing for all of the things in my life that caused me pain, and I could give healing to anyone who needed it and would allow me to administer it. Wow. Though I learned the steps involved in the process, sadly, I have never practiced healing another person before, and I have never asked for healing. Perhaps the fear is that two amateurs may inflict more damage than good. So instead, I found myself in the room of an expert, doing EMDR with Ms. Wilson, Dr. Dan’s “witch lady.”
During our first session, she simply asked me questions about my life. We pinpointed what I was hoping to achieve from these visits (no longer being reactionary), and she helped me target some of my fears and/or beliefs about myself. The second visit, Ms. Wilson had me focus in on my most safe place, which is the final resting pose at the end of every yoga session, shavasana, or corpse pose. We did some eye movements while I imagined myself in shavasana. To describe the eye movement thing, basically she pointed and put together her index finger and middle finger, and then moved her hand from side to side in front of her body while I followed her hand with my eyes. At first I thought it was ridiculous and even silly. I laughed a bit and found it difficult to keep a straight face, but eventually I let go of my inhibitions and allowed myself to participate. After talking about shavasana for awhile and really honing in on what qualities it offered to me as a safe place, we got to work on the rest, beginning our descent into my subconscious, plunging into the unknown. I did cry at one difficult point, but overall, the information I discovered was not shocking. The same was true for next few sessions. Ms. Wilson said I was moving at a much quicker pace than most people and asked if I had ever thought about the information I was sharing before this experience. As I thought about her question, I realized that while I had thought about all of these findings before, I had always kept them compartmentalized as isolated incidents. After the sessions with EMDR, I began making profound connections and realizations about how they all worked together. As Ms. Wilson and I explored my subconscious, my subconscious was activating certain memories and linking those moments with cause-and-effect behaviors. It was absolutely fascinating. So far, the reactionary tendency has diminished greatly. However, there was one major discovery that stands out, which I will share in my next blog. But the bottom line is that I did the very intense, hard work I needed to do to unlock and hopefully release these bad behaviors. I was feeling very low and very discouraged at the beginning of this treatment. And only a month later, I feel empowered and excited. But the work is not over. Learning to forgive yourself, to love yourself, is not easy, and it takes a lot of practice, as I'm learning.
Your new healing will heal your soul. It did mine and I haven't been the same since.
ReplyDeleteIn the opening session of the marriage conference we went to last summer, the speaker said, "Marriage is about healing." And it really can be. Sadly, it can also be about wounding (which often results in divorce). You get the opportunity to respond in love to your partner when they don't deserve your kindness or your faith in them. I am so glad that you are digging into all of this stuff. You are going to be a great wife.
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